I have decided, brother. I will travel away, far away from this town. I cannot stay. Something about this town makes me restless, even crazy. I will take trip far away, perhaps come home.... no, I cannot come home. I know this. It is dangerous to even be writing about this. That damn woman made sure of that, even after....
I think I will take trip to the sea. The waves always help me forget. Anushka never can touch me there. Not just because woman sailors are so rare. The waves, the rocking, it reminds me of that night that I ran away.... I should have been scared, but it was the happiest day of my life. The boat was freedom. Perhaps it will be again.
I am sending more money, 800 dollars. I hope it helps. Good luck, brother. May your life be free of her presence, even if mine is not.
Dmitri
Friday, March 30, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Ghosts
Brother. I am worried. I keep seeing her. Every face is hers now. I cannot stand this. I thought it was Anushka. I saw her. I still see her. I see her face in a crowd, from the corner of my eye. At the market, just turning corner. She is never close, and never speaks. But she is always smirking. Her evil smile, the one she had every time she...
I do not leave my home now except for work. I cannot risk seeing her again. Even when I am watching TV, she is there, in the background, smirking. I cannot even read books, for every character has her face, her speech. I went to clinic across street, because I thought maybe I was going crazy, but the nurse... Her nametag said "Holloway", and I kept telling myself that she was not her. Anushka is dead. I know. I watched to blood pool on the floor. I felt her skull crack. But yet she is here. How? Can she be alive? I am terrified, brother.
I do not leave my home now except for work. I cannot risk seeing her again. Even when I am watching TV, she is there, in the background, smirking. I cannot even read books, for every character has her face, her speech. I went to clinic across street, because I thought maybe I was going crazy, but the nurse... Her nametag said "Holloway", and I kept telling myself that she was not her. Anushka is dead. I know. I watched to blood pool on the floor. I felt her skull crack. But yet she is here. How? Can she be alive? I am terrified, brother.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Monday, March 10, 2012
Hello again, brother. I visited this “cafe” that I was told about. It seems the work does not hold same meaning here. Now I understand why the men were swearing by it. It was not a cafe, but a whore house! When I am realizing this, I am having trouble knowing whether to laugh or cry. I do not think this is the kind of loneliness I am feeling without Juli. This whorehouse did not make me feel better. When one woman tried to approach me, I was angry. I hit her, and ran... I think this is because of Anushka... Do you remember that awful worm? I had almost forgotten. It is her fault now, that I never married and never tried. After what she did, what she made us do... I cannot look at a woman’s body without remembering. I only want to flee. Ach. It is times like this that test me, and I do not know how much more I can take. If only Juli had stayed, maybe I would be happy... But that would be unfair. I am not her family, and I must remember that. Maybe, though, her father will let me visit - but how would that look!? He would think I was a pervert, just like Anushka! What will I do? Bah. You don’t want to hear about this. I don’t want to talk about this. The job is still good, and I have not had a drink since that night. I am sending some money, to help with the leaky roof. Wouldn’t want one of the children to catch a cold, eh? Good luck brother, and may God watch over you.
Hello again, brother. I visited this “cafe” that I was told about. It seems the work does not hold same meaning here. Now I understand why the men were swearing by it. It was not a cafe, but a whore house! When I am realizing this, I am having trouble knowing whether to laugh or cry. I do not think this is the kind of loneliness I am feeling without Juli. This whorehouse did not make me feel better. When one woman tried to approach me, I was angry. I hit her, and ran... I think this is because of Anushka... Do you remember that awful worm? I had almost forgotten. It is her fault now, that I never married and never tried. After what she did, what she made us do... I cannot look at a woman’s body without remembering. I only want to flee. Ach. It is times like this that test me, and I do not know how much more I can take. If only Juli had stayed, maybe I would be happy... But that would be unfair. I am not her family, and I must remember that. Maybe, though, her father will let me visit - but how would that look!? He would think I was a pervert, just like Anushka! What will I do? Bah. You don’t want to hear about this. I don’t want to talk about this. The job is still good, and I have not had a drink since that night. I am sending some money, to help with the leaky roof. Wouldn’t want one of the children to catch a cold, eh? Good luck brother, and may God watch over you.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
February 5th, 2012
Hello brother. Long time no see, as they say here. The job is going well, and I have received two raises since we last spoke. I am also getting much better at speaking English. But enough about that. How are you and the family? I am sending $200 American dollars with this letter, plus what you sent me. Thank you so much for helping me then.
February 14th, 2012
Juli left today. Her father came to deliver package, and when he sees me, he wants to talk. I know Juli must go back eventually, so I take him to her. They leave. Later that night, I am drinking, but for some reason I dring more than usual. I am feeling... empty? I do not remember much from that night. Later I was told that I had run away from store during shift, but not without leaving all of my clothes... Nobody can tell me where I went next, and I cannot remember. The next morning, I woke in my bed, with only a bad hangover. I think somebody saved me that night. Maybe a man, maybe God. Whatever happened, I could not ignore kindness like this. So I have given up drinking. I still work at the liquor store, but I never drink. Perhaps it does not make sense, but I know that this is what I must do now.
March 8th, 2012
I saw a strange man today, as I was leaving store. He seemed scared, running without looking, carrying a bag of some kind. He is so worried that he runs right into me when I turn corner! He falls flat on the ground like a wet hen, but when I try to help him up, he yells insults at me and hits me! I do not know why a man would be so rude. Months ago, if I had met him, I would have followed him, made him pay for rudeness. Now though, I have no will to. Juli is gone, and I am lonely. Strange though, this girl who never spoke makes me so lonely by leaving. There is a place men in this city say to go when feeling lonely. It is a restaurant, I think, called Isabella's Cafe. Although I do not understand how food will help, many men have sworn by it, so I will try it.
Hello brother. Long time no see, as they say here. The job is going well, and I have received two raises since we last spoke. I am also getting much better at speaking English. But enough about that. How are you and the family? I am sending $200 American dollars with this letter, plus what you sent me. Thank you so much for helping me then.
February 14th, 2012
Juli left today. Her father came to deliver package, and when he sees me, he wants to talk. I know Juli must go back eventually, so I take him to her. They leave. Later that night, I am drinking, but for some reason I dring more than usual. I am feeling... empty? I do not remember much from that night. Later I was told that I had run away from store during shift, but not without leaving all of my clothes... Nobody can tell me where I went next, and I cannot remember. The next morning, I woke in my bed, with only a bad hangover. I think somebody saved me that night. Maybe a man, maybe God. Whatever happened, I could not ignore kindness like this. So I have given up drinking. I still work at the liquor store, but I never drink. Perhaps it does not make sense, but I know that this is what I must do now.
March 8th, 2012
I saw a strange man today, as I was leaving store. He seemed scared, running without looking, carrying a bag of some kind. He is so worried that he runs right into me when I turn corner! He falls flat on the ground like a wet hen, but when I try to help him up, he yells insults at me and hits me! I do not know why a man would be so rude. Months ago, if I had met him, I would have followed him, made him pay for rudeness. Now though, I have no will to. Juli is gone, and I am lonely. Strange though, this girl who never spoke makes me so lonely by leaving. There is a place men in this city say to go when feeling lonely. It is a restaurant, I think, called Isabella's Cafe. Although I do not understand how food will help, many men have sworn by it, so I will try it.
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